Generally I am distrustful of the internet. It is an easy distraction, a numbing agent, an excuse not to go do living-people things. I have really wanted to be a living-people and so I have steered myself away from places on the internet where I might stake too much of my soul in something that is not alive. I have gotten self-conscious about over-sharing on Facebook, guilted myself about writing emails instead of physical letters, and wondered what on earth am I going to do with my tumblr.
But lately I have seen a surge of realness in this technological mediums – some actual consciousness and light that finds its way out of the mess. Things people write that actually touch me, the thoughts and feelings of my friends and strangers that I can connect with and take with me throughout my day. It is surprising to look into a screen and see something of real value, be inspired to write or sing or question.
I am evolving. I am asking others with completely different strengths than mine to help me take my music to the next level. I am working with kids in hospitals, bringing them instruments and songs they love. I call my family more, hear them reflect me. Every day, my potential stares at me in the face out of more and more places. I am realizing how much I can touch back, how taking up space (which is often my most debilitating fear) can actually be the greatest gift I can offer.
So I am trying to grow with the times. I may not like that we are so scattered and so busy with our own lives, but I can work to reach people in ways that are almost universal these days. Screens don’t have to be this dead, soulless thing. I can fill them with my self, and move on with my life.
Whoever you are, I want to reach you. I want to sing to you and tell you about my day and the life I find inside these failing bodies and the doors I open within myself and the savage and odd and tender things I hear people say by accident. I do not want to just write in my journal, listen to my voice bounce from wall to wall. There is too much. It needs to go somewhere. I want it to go to you, and if it resonates, I want to receive whatever you have to give. This is a strange place to connect, but it can be as real as we need it to be.
I hope this motivation lasts, but if not, it was a nice feeling.